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9/11/2018

Steffan Kaplan/NY Times

The day began like any other. I was getting ready for work, getting my son ready for daycare, thinking of all the things I had to get done that day and what could wait for the next day…or the day after that. I remember walking into the office laughing at something someone said to me, though I can’t recall for the life of me what it was. My friend and co-worker Pat approached me as I walked in, asking if I had heard what just happened. I could see she was rattled, so I asked her with concern, what? What happened?! She said a plane just crashed into a tower of the World Trade Center in New York City. As I stood there a bit dazed, hoping this was a cruel joke, she added that it was such a horrible and tragic accident, and she kept walking to get more updates. It was cruel, but it was clearly no joke. I didn’t know what to do first. I was walking in slow motion, trying to look around and listen for more news. People started to scutter about, listening to radios or looking for a television they could put in a meeting room to watch for more information. Cell phones weren’t quite the appendages they’ve become for us today. I could see that everyone felt the same way, as people ran to each other to compare notes and share their concern and heartbreak. How could such a horrific accident like this happen? Shortly, news about the second plane explained the first tragedy, it was visibly done on purpose. Now the tragedy and heartbreak mixed with fear and anger, and questions as to why, and what target may be next? Are we safe? Is anyone safe? Could there really be that much hatred in the world? Sadly, the answer to that kept coming time and again as more horrific news came to us. Now, a plane has crashed into the Pentagon in Washington, D.C. Then, we heard about Flight 93. About 90 minutes since the first plane had crashed into the tower in NYC, Flight 93 crashed into the ground in a large field in Pennsylvania. With this news brought yet more questions..what was the original target?..assuming there was one, with what we’d witnessed so far. We would never really know the answer to that question. No one survived who could tell us. But what we do know from the calls and texts between the heroes on the plane and their heroic loved ones at home, is that the crash averted a far larger disaster than was originally planned. Immediately, part of me felt grateful, proud and indebted to them and their families, and part of me was tremendously grief stricken for them, as if I knew them well. I wasn’t quite sure how to filter everything I felt. I wondered how I would handle such a call or text at either end of it. I’m not sure I could muster that kind of courage, and I hope I never have to be tested to find out, but I am still forever grateful for theirs.
It wasn’t long after that, around lunch time, it was announced that we could leave the office. Everyone seemed to exit the building feeling shaken to the core, but lucky to be alive and free to walk out the door, unlike so many others we had just witnessed that never would. We were still scared about what lay ahead for everyone at the same time. We couldn’t wait to get home to our families, hold them, and process the horrible events of the day. I know I couldn’t wait to pick up my son. He wouldn’t understand what had happened until years later. But I was so relieved when I was home safe with him.
I turned on the television and started making calls to other family members. I knew the images I was seeing repeatedly, would be forever etched in my mind and in the minds of everyone.
That evening, President Bush, addressing the nation on television, declared war on terrorism. He gave a speech that evening I’m sure he never imagined he’d have to give. In part of it he stated, “these acts shatter steal, but they can not dent the steel of American resolve.” Truer words were never spoken.
A total of 2983 people were killed on 911, and countless others wounded. The effects of that day are still felt by everyone, because we were all connected that day. That unified feeling we felt, and still feel today, is the opposite result of what was intended for us. We were supposed to feel fear and alter the course of our lives based on that fear. I think the result was a stronger resolve after all.
I don’t know how those 2983 people woke up 17 years ago today; what their thoughts were, how they felt, what they were looking forward to. But knowing where my thoughts were that morning, into the next day already, I think of those people that hardly had a next hour, let alone a next day. We often take so much for granted. So many people that day called loved ones to provide words of comfort to them in their last moments, instead of looking for comfort for themselves. Those calls and countless other acts of love, courage and sacrifice, all tip the scales toward what we’re all about in the face of the absolute worst that evil has to offer-goodness, love and kindness.
How different the day ended from how it had begun; for them and for everyone.
As we remember all of the souls-who rested on 911.

Robert Wallis/Getty Images

8/21/18    Matt showed me his college schedule earlier tonight; his last schedule for the local college he’s attending.   He’ll be moving on after this semester is over.  And though I am very excited for him and all of the new experiences he’ll have, I will of course, miss him tremendously.  Tonight though, I also got to thinking about his brother Adam, and what it would be like if he were here now, I’d assume also attending college-where would he be going?  Would he want to attend the same school as Matt?  Would he be excited or nervous?  How would life be with both Matt and Adam in the same or different colleges?
I always carry Adam with me. But with each of the stops and starts in Matt’s life, like now, the “what if” thoughts flow through me-throughout my mind and body. Or rather, Adam flows through me, as my mind gets to thinking these thoughts; these unanswerable questions. As I entertain these thoughts, and make my best guesses, I smile; through the pain. I am feeling the questions as I’m asking them, and feeling the answers as well. Yet, I have to say, it’s as if Adam is really flowing through my veins as I ponder the different scenarios. He’s breathing oxygen into me, providing me with warmth and comfort. It’s as if he’s saying, Mom, I am here with both of you, and I know you miss me, but I am here. I may not be carrying books to school or asking which car I can use, but I’m still a part of this family. And I love you both. He tries to console me, and I can feel his strength.
And so, for this stop and start anyway, I take solace in the fact that when Matt is at school, and I’m not there to watch over him, Adam will surely be. And he’ll be here with me too, giving me updates on his brother and telling me not to worry; he’s got it covered.

I was recently visiting John O’Leary’s “Live inspired” web page, and there was an interview with a poet where they asked her seven really interesting questions.  I want to post the questions and I will answer them for myself, but I’d really like for you to share your answers with me too!  You only have to use a first name, unless you choose to do otherwise.

1.  What is the best book you ever read?
2.  What is a characteristic that you possessed as a child that you wish you still exhibited today?
3.  If your house is on fire and all living things and people are safe, but you have time to go in and grab just one thing, what would it be?
4.  If you are sitting on a bench overlooking a gorgeous beach and you could have a long conversation with anyone alive or dead, who would it be?
5.  What is the best advice you ever received?
6.  What would you say to your 20-year-old self?
7.  It’s been said that all great people can have their life summed up in one sentence. How do you want yours to read?

I love these questions.  Here are my answers:

1.  “When bad things happen to good people” by Harold Kushner.  Anyone who has ever suffered a loss could benefit from this book, but even those that have not could glean a lot from it.  I think it’s invaluable.
2.  I wish I retained at least some of the idealistic thinking I once had.
3.  I’d definitely grab my poetry journal.  It’s like my diary.
4.  My choice would be Jesus Christ.  That would be some chat!
5.  The advice I spoke about on my “About Peg” page.  After Adam died, my friend said to me, that it’s probably better to ask how? …how do I move on from here, rather than asking why? why did this happen…since the why question really can’t be answered.  (see my answer to #4!)
6.  I would say, there is no doubt you will make mistakes, but when you do, make the best use of them that you can, and forgive yourself.
7.  She was a good mother.